mcpcola's daily (or not so daily) joke thread

[mcpcola]

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed
when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my
dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up
to you!

 

[mcpcola]

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court
before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather than
jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
the evils of drug use and pursued them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the
judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o and told
them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle)is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you
do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and
told them,
"This is your asshole before prison...."

 

[mcpcola]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[mcpcola]

OK its been awhile but here we are and a new Joke to start of a great Thanksgivings day for ya.

A man awoke one morning and he noticed he had an orange penis.
Mistified by this he tested it, making sure everything was fine, and it was.
So he ignored it and went to work.
While in the urinal a friend looked over and seemed very suprised.
His friend said, "Dude! What happened, doesn't that hurt?!"
He said, "Nope, i just woke up and it was like that."
His friend replied, "You should get that looked at."
So after the man got done with work he went to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "This is a special case, what exactly did you do this weekend?"
The man said, "Not much, just ate cheetos and watched pornos..."

 

[mcpcola]

So there's a blonde 'n a brunette riding in an elevator when it stops on the 6th floor and a man gets on. Well, they notice that he has some dandruff on his shoulder but politely decline to say anything until the man leaves two floors later. The brunette then turns to the blonde 'n says, "someone needs to give that poor guy some Head 'n Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

 

[Big Wang Bandit]

FTW!

 

[mcpcola]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

 

[mcpcola]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

[mcpcola]

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette. Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"
So her friend asks: "What’s a condom? Where did you get it?" So she says: "At the pharmacy" So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"
So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

 

[Big Wang Bandit]

lololol

 

[Mr.PFloyd]

:rofl:

 

[CFSapper]

dam i just spit my water out every where those r funny as hell

 

[starscream5000]

FTW! More!

 

[JB91389]

:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:
MORE!

 

[mcpcola]

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

 

[mcpcola]

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

 

[mcpcola]

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."

 

[mcpcola]

Last one for tonight

Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row." The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn't sound so terrible." Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end."

 

[mcpcola]

I am back Bitches


There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old
dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same
day Jim's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for
John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort
of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an
old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack
in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I
used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess
what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good,
but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her
at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman fainted.

 

[Disced]

LOL