mcpcola's daily (or not so daily) joke thread

[mcpcola]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'

 

[mcpcola]

YO YO its that time again

 

[mcpcola]

A Yuppie in a BMW is driving down the expressway when a speeding truck sideswipes his car tearing the driver's side door. When the cop arrives on the accident scene, he finds the Yuppie whining and complaining about his missing door and the damage to his vehicle.

"You guys make me sick," says the cop. "You're so materialistic, so status-conscious, so selfish, so into yourselves and your possessions that you haven't even noticed that you lost your left arm in the accident. You're pathetic."

"That's great, just great," whines the Yuppie. "Now I've lost my Rolex!"

 

[Kai]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

 

[mcpcola]

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

 

[flight doc89]

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. Tis Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a moment. Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'





There was a farmer who was very protective of his daughters. Before
every date, he would meet the young man at the porch with his shotgun,
and if he didn't measure up, he'd make sure they left.

One day all three of his daughters were going out on the same night.
The first young man drove up and approached the porch.

"Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is
she ready to go?" The farmer liked this guy, and let him leave with his
daughter.

Shortly, the next guy drove up and approached the porch.
"Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for
spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer liked this guy too, and let him
leave with his second daughter.

Soon the third guy drove up and approached the porch.
"Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.





John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[tlo86]

good stuff

 

[mcpcola]

Guesses who's back hopefully for good.

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

 

[mcpcola]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

 

[boosted1jz]

a man walks into a bar and says ouch

 

[Poodles]

Fail!

 

[MkIII_Jeff]

This is a long one, but a good one:

John had not had sex in several months and decided to try his luck at the local bar. Over the course of the night he sees many beautiful women but doesn't have the guts to talk to them. As the night is winding down he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. Every time he looks at her she returns eye contact and smiles. He thinks to himself "There is no way she likes me, there has to be something going on here. She is dressed provocatively, maybe she's a prostitute."

"Is that woman at the end of the bar a prostitute?" John asks the bartender. "I think she is, you should go talk to her" the bartender replies. So John goes over and asks the woman "is it true that you're a prostitute?" To which the woman responds "Why yes it is, what can I do for you handsome?" "Well, it's been a little while for me and I was wondering how much for a handjob." "A handjob is going to run you $500." "$500. No way, that's way too much for me." The woman gets up and says "Come out front with me, I've got something to show you." Parked outside the bar is a shiny, red Ferrari. "You see that car right there? I bought that car cash with the money I made of my handjobs, I'm that good." Seeing this, John pays the woman $500 and gets the best handjob of his life.

The next night John decides to see if the woman is at the bar. When he gets there he is surprised to see she is sitting in the exact same spot. "Last night was really amazing, so I just gotta ask, how much for a blowjob?" he asks the woman. "$1000 baby, the best you'll ever have." John responds the same way he did the night before. "There is no way I am paying $1000 for a blowjob" to which the woman responds "Come outside with me, I have something to show you." The woman points across the street to a multi-story apartment building. "You see that building there? I bought that cash with the money I made of my blowjobs, I'm that good." John thinks about it for a minute, and based on his previous experience, decides to go for it and gets the best blowjob of his life.

John, being completely infatuated with this woman, returns to the bar for the third night. He approaches the woman and says "You are the most amazing woman I have ever met, I have to ask, how much to fuck you?" "$5000" the woman replies. Before John even has time to question her price she says "Come outside, I have something to show you." Outside she points down the street. Between the buildings John can see Manhattan. "Jesus, don't tell me you own that too!" John says. To which the woman replies "If I was really a woman, you bet your ass I would!"

 

[MkIII_Jeff]

A daughter walks into the living room and asks her dad to borrow the car. "You can borrow the car if you suck my dick" the dad replies. Disgusted, the daughter walks away. A few hours later she returns telling her father "Dad it's really important. All the other girls are going shopping at the mall. I have to go too!" Again the dad says "You can use the car if you suck my dick first." Revolted and pissed off the daughter the walks off again. A few more hours pass and the daughter returns to ask her father again. Before the daughter can even speak her father points repeatedly to his dick. "Fine" says the daughter, "I'll do it." While going down on her father, she stops and asks, "Dad, why does your dick taste like shit?" To which her father replies "Your brother wanted to borrow the car this morning."

 

[flight doc89]

A baby seal walks into a club.

 

[benchwarmer]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?







Christopher Walken