lmaolmaolmao
holy shit i just saw that they gave you a sticky. nice shit
yourwelcome....lol j/p but it was my idea
holy shit i just saw that they gave you a sticky. nice shit
yourwelcome....lol j/p but it was my idea
mcpcola's daily (or not so daily) joke thread
- Thread starter mcpcola
- Start date
A little head
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."
"Keep going!"
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."
"Keep going!"
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"
group a supra
SPAWNING AN INTERCEPTOR
Shit guys sorry for the delay in post but I am moving over 2K miles from FL and right now i am living in a hotel till I can find a suitable house but i will be back soon post Naughty jokes daily.
hahah those are great man. just one ques considering it is your joke thread can anyone chime in with a joke that they heard that was great? if not its understandable
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That is how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust".
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".
Here are some facts about the 1500's:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That is how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust".
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".
Stupid Banks- Citibank
Recent death in the family... she died this January. Citibank credit card billed her for Feb., and March. ( Annual service charge, and then late fees and interest on annual charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was like $60.00)
Me: 'Calling to tell you, she died Jan.'
Citi: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Me: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections...'
Citi: 'Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.'
Me: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citi: 'Either report it to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!'
Me: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citi: '...excuse me .'
Me: 'Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?'
Citi: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!'
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''Calling to tell you, she died Jan.'
CitiS: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Me: 'You mean from her estate?'
CitiS: '... .'
CitiS: 'Are you her lawyer?'
Me: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' ( Lawyer info given... )
CitiS: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Me: 'Sure.' ( Number is given )( After they get the fax. )
CitiS: 'Our system just isn't setup for death...'
Me: 'Oh...'
CitiS: 'I don't know what more I can do to help...'
Me: 'Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care....'
CitiS: 'Well...the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Me: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
CitiS: 'That might help.'
Me: ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiS: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?'!!
Recent death in the family... she died this January. Citibank credit card billed her for Feb., and March. ( Annual service charge, and then late fees and interest on annual charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was like $60.00)
Me: 'Calling to tell you, she died Jan.'
Citi: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Me: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections...'
Citi: 'Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.'
Me: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citi: 'Either report it to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!'
Me: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citi: '...excuse me .'
Me: 'Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?'
Citi: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!'
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''Calling to tell you, she died Jan.'
CitiS: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Me: 'You mean from her estate?'
CitiS: '... .'
CitiS: 'Are you her lawyer?'
Me: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' ( Lawyer info given... )
CitiS: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Me: 'Sure.' ( Number is given )( After they get the fax. )
CitiS: 'Our system just isn't setup for death...'
Me: 'Oh...'
CitiS: 'I don't know what more I can do to help...'
Me: 'Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care....'
CitiS: 'Well...the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Me: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
CitiS: 'That might help.'
Me: ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiS: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?'!!
N
NDBoost
Guest
JustAnotherVictim
Supramania Contributor
16 years later
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
Turbo. Targa. Life.
SupraMania Shirt Slinger!
saw this in the paper the other day, thought it was funny so i looked it up:
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/04/10/D8GTAQRG8.html
A Malaysian man said he nearly fainted when he recieved a $218 trillion phone bill and was ordered to pay up within 10 days or face prosecution, a newspaper reported Monday.
Yahaya Wahab said he disconnected his late father's phone line in January after he died and settled the 84 ringgit ($23) bill, the New Straits Times reported.
But Telekom Malaysia later sent him a 806,400,000,000,000.01 ringgit ($218 trillion) bill for recent telephone calls along with orders to settle within 10 days or face legal proceedings, the newspaper reported.
It wasn't clear whether the bill was a mistake, or if Yahaya's father's phone line was used illegally after after his death.
"If the company wants to seek legal action as mentioned in the letter, I'm ready to face it," the paper quoted Yahaya as saying. "In fact, I can't wait to face it," he said.
Yahaya, from northern Kedah state, received a notice from the company's debt-collection agency in early April, the paper said. Yahaya said he nearly fainted when he saw the new bill.
Government-linked Telekom Malaysia Bhd. is the country's largest telecommunications company.
A company official, who declined to be identified as she was not authorized to speak to the media, said Telekom Malaysia was aware of Yahaya's case and would address it. She did not provide further details.
now that's a joke (story is real though)
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/04/10/D8GTAQRG8.html
A Malaysian man said he nearly fainted when he recieved a $218 trillion phone bill and was ordered to pay up within 10 days or face prosecution, a newspaper reported Monday.
Yahaya Wahab said he disconnected his late father's phone line in January after he died and settled the 84 ringgit ($23) bill, the New Straits Times reported.
But Telekom Malaysia later sent him a 806,400,000,000,000.01 ringgit ($218 trillion) bill for recent telephone calls along with orders to settle within 10 days or face legal proceedings, the newspaper reported.
It wasn't clear whether the bill was a mistake, or if Yahaya's father's phone line was used illegally after after his death.
"If the company wants to seek legal action as mentioned in the letter, I'm ready to face it," the paper quoted Yahaya as saying. "In fact, I can't wait to face it," he said.
Yahaya, from northern Kedah state, received a notice from the company's debt-collection agency in early April, the paper said. Yahaya said he nearly fainted when he saw the new bill.
Government-linked Telekom Malaysia Bhd. is the country's largest telecommunications company.
A company official, who declined to be identified as she was not authorized to speak to the media, said Telekom Malaysia was aware of Yahaya's case and would address it. She did not provide further details.
now that's a joke
(story is real though)
LuvMySilverSupra said:
This is also what happens when you give a your girlfriend/wife a cell phone.
Turbo. Targa. Life.
SupraMania Shirt Slinger!
Hope nobody minds if I toss one in...
So a rich guy is eating in a fancy restaraunt, and sees a gorgeous blonde woman eating by herself, so he sends over a bottle of expensive wine.
The waiter drops off the bottle, then comes back over to the man.
"Sir, the young lady wants me to inform you that she only has interest in a man that makes three million dollars a year, drives a Mercedes, and has an eight inch penis"
So the man sends the waiter back to the woman.
"Miss, the sir would like you to know that even though he drives a Ferrari and makes over ten million dollars a year, he is not willing to give up three inches for you."
So a rich guy is eating in a fancy restaraunt, and sees a gorgeous blonde woman eating by herself, so he sends over a bottle of expensive wine.
The waiter drops off the bottle, then comes back over to the man.
"Sir, the young lady wants me to inform you that she only has interest in a man that makes three million dollars a year, drives a Mercedes, and has an eight inch penis"
So the man sends the waiter back to the woman.
"Miss, the sir would like you to know that even though he drives a Ferrari and makes over ten million dollars a year, he is not willing to give up three inches for you."
Turbo. Targa. Life.
SupraMania Shirt Slinger!
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied "No, I don't." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
kekeke
kekeke
