Bad Jokes? OH SNAP!
- Thread starter Ckanderson
- Start date
In fact....heres some more....
Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
A: Because you get a womb with a view.
Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twins in an acid bath.
Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb with.
Q: What's red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A: A baby run over by a lawn mower.
Q: What's red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
A: Same baby, two months later.
Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.
Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.
More later if you guys are lucky....lol....
Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
A: Because you get a womb with a view.
Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twins in an acid bath.
Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb with.
Q: What's red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A: A baby run over by a lawn mower.
Q: What's red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
A: Same baby, two months later.
Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.
Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.
More later if you guys are lucky....lol....
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.
The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like crap!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.
The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like crap!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."
If you cant see the humor in these, then you sholdnt be in this thread. Its all in good fun.
How many male chevonest pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
How many male chevonest pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
A young boy is standing on a street corner swatting flies. Everytime he sees a fly he utters, "fucking flies, fucking flies."
Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."
The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "bullshit."
"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without a cause" says the priest.
The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking flies."
AND
A perfect men and a perfect woman met in a perfect day.
After some perfect dates they had a perfect wedding.
One night on X-mas they drove there perfect car on a dangerous road, but suddenly they saw a man on the side of the road, and because they are perfect they stopped for him and they discovered theta that man is Santa, and he is carrying a bag of gifts.
Santa got in the car and they drove away.
After a couple of minutes there was an accident and 2 of them died. Only the woman survived...
Why did the woman survived, you ask?... because the perfect man an Santa does not existent.
If you are a woman: Stop reading here.
If you are a man: If the perfect man an Santa does not existent, that means that the woman was driving and that explains the accident.
If you are a woman and you kept reading: You just proved that women wont listen!
Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."
The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "bullshit."
"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without a cause" says the priest.
The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking flies."
AND
A perfect men and a perfect woman met in a perfect day.
After some perfect dates they had a perfect wedding.
One night on X-mas they drove there perfect car on a dangerous road, but suddenly they saw a man on the side of the road, and because they are perfect they stopped for him and they discovered theta that man is Santa, and he is carrying a bag of gifts.
Santa got in the car and they drove away.
After a couple of minutes there was an accident and 2 of them died. Only the woman survived...
Why did the woman survived, you ask?... because the perfect man an Santa does not existent.
If you are a woman: Stop reading here.
If you are a man: If the perfect man an Santa does not existent, that means that the woman was driving and that explains the accident.
If you are a woman and you kept reading: You just proved that women wont listen!
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he have the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he have the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
a woman is late for work one day and she is driving a tad over the speed limit. as she crests a hill, she sees a cop that was hidden by the morning sun and is immediatley pulled over for speeding.
"liscence and registration ma'am"
"im sorry officer, i was late for work"
"WHERE DO YOU WORK AT MISS"
"i work right down the road at the rectum stretching factory"
rectum stretching??!!what the hell do you do there?"
"well, i take a rectum and i stick one finger in, then 2, then three..... soon enough i can get my whole hand in, then both and i slowly start stretching the rectum until its roughly 6 feet in diameter"
"thats crazy?!?! ive never heard of that before. so, what exactley do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
"you put him on the top of a blind hill with a radar gun"
"liscence and registration ma'am"
"im sorry officer, i was late for work"
"WHERE DO YOU WORK AT MISS"
"i work right down the road at the rectum stretching factory"
rectum stretching??!!what the hell do you do there?"
"well, i take a rectum and i stick one finger in, then 2, then three..... soon enough i can get my whole hand in, then both and i slowly start stretching the rectum until its roughly 6 feet in diameter"
"thats crazy?!?! ive never heard of that before. so, what exactley do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
"you put him on the top of a blind hill with a radar gun"
