Bad Jokes? OH SNAP!

[b005t3d]

what food can you feed a woman to make her stop giving head?








wedding cake.


whats the difference between a virgin and a washing machine?






after you drop the load, the washing machine doesnt follow you around.


what do you call to lesbians in a box?



a liquor cabinet.

 

[SupraMario]

LOL, These are Ok, I've got some bad ones, but I dont feel like getting banned.

 

[MDCmotorsports]

So this guy is throwing a super bowl party.

He and his buddy are masters of the grill that day.

"You know Bob, I think my wife's ass is as wide as the grill."

"No way Rich."

"Yes way. Go get me a measuring tape."

......

They look at the tape on the grill. Then ass from afar. Grill. Ass. Ass. Grill.

"Hey honey! Come on over here!"

"Yes dear?"

"Let me measure something. See BOB! Sure as shit its as big as the grill!"

"Fuck you guys."

The two men laugh and have a great rest of the day drinking beer etc.

Later that night Rich is starting to feel all frisky and starts rubbin up on some of that wide big ass.

The wife rolls over and says,

"What - you expect me to fire up this BIG ASS GRILL for that little ol weenie?????"

 

[supra90turbo]

/\ roofles.

 

[mkiiSupraMan18]

- Two Antenae met on a roof, they fell in love and decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great.

That's all I got... :nono:

 

[cartel1_950]

why is a womens wedding dress white???




















it's nice for the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances
(sorry ladies no offence just a lame joke i know)

 

[87CandyBlueT]

Theirs this guy he's been hunting all over the world. He goes into a bar. He makes a bet with the 5 people sitting at the bar and the bar tender. He says he is so good that if you blind fold him and bring in any dead animal hyde he can rub it and tell you what it is, what it was killed by and where. He bets them all a shot that he can pull it off. So they take the bet. They put the blind fold on him. They bring out the first animal hyde. He rubs it and says that's easy it's a white tail deer, was killed in TN, with a black powder gun. Their amazed... They pour him his 6 shots and he slams them down. They bring out the next animal, again he rubs it's hyde, says that's easy it's a zebra, was killed in africa with a 30-30. amazed again they pour his shots. This goes on the guy gets trashed. He goes home crawls in bed with his wife.... He wakes up the next morning goes in the bathroom does his business. He looks in the mirror and notices he has a black eye. So he goes to his wife he says what happened to me I don't remember getting in a fight last night. She says I gave it to you. He says "you gave it to me?" She said "Yes, you came in here last night crawled in bed, stuck your hand between my legs and said that's easy It's a skunk and it was killed by a hatchet.

I thought it was funny. Don't be offended ladies just a harmless joke.

 

[Reign_Maker]

HATCHET! LMAO!!!!

 

[JustAnotherVictim]

I like that one.

 

[Big Wang Bandit]

3 Jews walk into a bar...















AND THEY BUY IT LOLOLOLOLOL ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!11LoLOlZ

 

[mkiiSupraMan18]

Theirs this guy he's been hunting all over the world. He goes into a bar. He makes a bet with the 5 people sitting at the bar and the bar tender. He says he is so good that if you blind fold him and bring in any dead animal hyde he can rub it and tell you what it is, what it was killed by and where. He bets them all a shot that he can pull it off. So they take the bet. They put the blind fold on him. They bring out the first animal hyde. He rubs it and says that's easy it's a white tail deer, was killed in TN, with a black powder gun. Their amazed... They pour him his 6 shots and he slams them down. They bring out the next animal, again he rubs it's hyde, says that's easy it's a zebra, was killed in africa with a 30-30. amazed again they pour his shots. This goes on the guy gets trashed. He goes home crawls in bed with his wife.... He wakes up the next morning goes in the bathroom does his business. He looks in the mirror and notices he has a black eye. So he goes to his wife he says what happened to me I don't remember getting in a fight last night. She says I gave it to you. He says "you gave it to me?" She said "Yes, you came in here last night crawled in bed, stuck your hand between my legs and said that's easy It's a skunk and it was killed by a hatchet.

I thought it was funny. Don't be offended ladies just a harmless joke.

lol a chick at school tried to say that one once... she completely forgot the punchline though... everyone will be glad when I can tell them how it actually went.

 

[MDCmotorsports]

So Jessie Jackson is in front of an washing machine store, preaching "the word" about why this appliance store is racist.

"You see my brothas and sistas. This here APPLIANCE store is nothing more than the hatred of man. The racism of man. And nothing more than a biggot with a store front. All the washing machines are white!!!"

The owner comes out, ready to fight off the mod that is at the point of looting his store

"Why MR. Appliance store man is all your washing machines white!"

"I dunno Mr. Jackson, but if you open them up all the agitators are black."

 

[JustAnotherVictim]

Lol. My agitator is white. :icon_bigg

 

[hardcharger]

some mitch hedberg

I got an ant farm those fellas didn't grow sh%t

I wish i could play little league now, I'd kick some a$$, Who's backup now?

I haven't slept for ten days, cuz that would be too long

last week I helped my friend stay put, its alot easier then helpin him move. I just went over to his house and made sure he didn't start loading sh#t in a truck

I want to be want to be a racecar passenger, just the guy who bugs the driver. "can I put my feet up? can I turn on the radio? why are we goin in circles? damn you really like Tide"

get your priorities crooked

p.s. this is what part of the alphabet would look like if q and r were eliminated.

I got in a argument with girl in a tent and ended up trying to slam the flap, how do you express your anger in this situation? zipper it up really quick...f you

 

[Facime]

I'll stick to the safe lame material...

A piece of string goes into a bar and says to the bartender "Hey bartender, let me have a beer". the bartender says "we dont serve string in this bar, you'll have to leave!" So the peice of string walks outside, frizzes up his hair, and ties himself all up. He goes back in the bar and says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, let me have a beer". The bartender looks at him for a second and says, "Hey, werent you that piece of string just in here?" to which the piece of string replies....










































"Nope, Im a frayed knot!"

 

[MassSupra89]

Hahah I love Mitch Hedberg.

"I don't have a cellphone, I just hang around everyone I know, and when someone wants me they say 'Mitch' and I say 'What?'... and turn my head slightly."

"My apartment was once infested with Koula Bears. Cutest infestation ever."

 

[hardcharger]

I turn on the lights to my apartment and koulas scatter. I'm like wait come back, let me hold one of you, feed you a leaf". Why are koulas so cute, and so far from me.

I like dane cook too, a little pablo franscisco, carlos mencia, stephen lynch.

 

[Nick M]

So everybody knows about little Johny. Well he has been up to things again...

Little Johny and his brother decide today is the first day they swear in front of their mother. His brother decides he will say "damn". And Johny decides he is going to say "ass". Their mother calls them down for breakfast. She says to the little brother, "what do you want for breakfast? We have Wheaties, pancakes, eggs, omlets, or oatmeal". He looks as everything for a moment and says "let me have those damn wheaties". His mom just goes berzerk. How can her innocent little 8 year talk like that? She belts him across the face, slams him in the backside, and shoves him in the closet. Her face is now red with anger. She looks at little Johny and says "and what do you want for breakfast young man?", still obviously agitated. And little Johny replies, "you can bet your ass I don't want those wheaties".

 

[OneJoeZee]

Why did the chicken cross the road?



to get to the other side.








its a bad joke and no one said it yet. so i did...

 

[87CandyBlueT]

Here's a few

What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert?






No thanks, I'm stuffed.



What do sneezes wear on their feet?



ahhhhh-shoes!

How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?


With a pumpkin patch



How do you make a peanut laugh?




You crack it up



BAD JOKES