You guys aren't going to believe this. All that shit I went through and it turns out that I didn't have the starter's positive cable hooked up to the battery. Don't fucking judge me!! I haven't hooked up a battery to this car in over ten years! I was checking the cable to see how difficult it would be changing it out, and found the other side of the cable hidden under the intake manifold.
But I have a new issue. It cranks just fine now, but I have no oil pressure. I even unhooked the turbo feed line and put it in a cup to see if anything was coming out. Nothing. Yes, I do have 5 quarts of oil in it!! How long do I have to crank it to get oil pressure? I did it for 30seconds two different times. I figure the oil has to fill up the filter, it's coolers, and then the engine but I didn't want to burn out a starter. I'll do some more research on that topic.