personal life troubles

[Justin727]

Well most of you guys really dont know me too well. Some of you know I'm just a goofy guy that chimes in with little comments, help, and sometimes questions. Some of my close friends know me as an open guy that takes things with a grain of salt and can easily laugh off anything. Well lately I can't do that. This might be long so take a piss and grab a drink w/ a snack.
I've been in this relationship with my ex i guess you could say now for 5 years. Since 10th grade in hs. The first 2 years was rough. Although the first year was absolute awesome. It's everything a guy could ask for!! Well I got sent to basic trainning for 11 weeks and got out at the last moment because of family problems and it was eating me up and I was in no way ready to deal with any sort of military service. I came home back to my faithful gf. She wrote me everyday and kept in touch real well so I know she wasnt screwing around. I'm a pretty protective guy and I know some of us on here are but with jamie I have settled down alot. She can handle her own and isnt afriad to cuss out anyone that even dare tries to talk to her.
Well after I got back something about me changed. Then I couldnt see it but now I can and I'm greatful I got help. I dont know if it was either depression or what. Things got bad between Jamie and I mainly on my part. I wasnt me I was someone else. To sum it up I was a real ass hole and even my friends saw that. Jamie and i split up for what I thought was good. During that six months I had severe depression and couldnt eat for days and got sick. I was hospitalized and stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. Saw a shrink for a few months and was on medication. Over Time I started feeling better and alive agian so I got off my medication and quit seeing the shrink and everything has been well since.
We werent together for 6 months and she was with this mathew guy she met at church. Pretty decent guy but turned out to be a big titty baby. Anyways that got on her nerves. And well we started talking agian. She was staying with her aunt and uncle and they are very christian people and there is nothing wrong with that at all. But We've never really I guess you could say see eye to eye. I dunno mississippi people maybe who knows. No offense to them. But they didnt like me and I didnt like them so we had to be on the low for a while till she moved back to her mothers.
Well she moved back to her mothers house and again we were together for sometime and talks of getting married and having children came into discussion. We were both for it and within a few months she came up pregnant. (the pill + antibiotices = OWNED) No big deal I got a job I actually moved to Ft myers for a month and was going to school out there and came back home to take care of Jamie. Well the only car we had at the time got wrecked by her and her friend at the time. So I was out of a job for sometime. Pretty much till the baby was born. Oct 15 2003. Luckily I have a great family and money was no issue. Anyways we both got jobs and started working shortly after. Things weren't so bad except the fact she always got pissed when I would go hang out with my friends friday and saturday nights but I would always come home to her before 11pm... I've even brought her out there with me and she hated it because all we did was stand around and talk.(no drinking at all) And till this day we all still do the samething, no big deal right? WRONG! Jamie hated it and cussed me all the time about it. Well I over looked that and didnt let it bother me. Amongst other things she didnt approve of over time she got upset over.
As I mentioned earlier about me being protective and such well this is where that side comes in for me. It started off with her bogus friends she thought were the greatest things alive. But I'll use her half sister for example. to sum it up she would ask jamie to do things with her and for her untill she gets pissed off and cusses jamie and they dont talk for months. This happened on 3 seperate occasions. Also her 2 friends that I tried warning her about, that they were just using her for a place to stay and they wont really have anything to do with her once they leave. Came to be the truth. Well the last friend I tried to explain to Jamie. Look im not trying to control you and tell you what to do but its getting to the point where im taking it personally and it hurts me and pisses me off to see you get upset and hurt. That doesnt seem to get thru jamies thick head. So she still goes on about how Im tryin to run her life and such.
Another occasion was her drinking. Dont get me wrong I dont mind drinking sometimes but when I'm not around and such she can get into some possible trouble. One time I came home to find she downed a whole bottle of Vodka. Although it was funny for a short period of time the seriousness set in. So I tried explaining to her countless times over to lay low with drinking and such but no I'm tryin to run her... I mean she doesnt see it now because I remember the things my step father told me before he passed away and I was younger and I didnt seem to care about it or think whatever. If only I could shake his hand and thank him now because I'm so greatful for the advice he gave me and I see now is the truth. I'm just tryin to look out for the person I love is that wrong? I'm just trying to stop something before something bad happens. I just wouldnt be able to live with myself if something serious happened.
Well about a month and a half ago I finally get over the argueing crap and her getting the final word and try to over talk me. So I've simply told her to shut up or I just wouldnt talk to her. A week later we talk and such and start being cool with one another agian but not reall together. We would chat when i'd stop by to visit my son and what not. Then one night we had a serious conversation about things that I took to heart because I love her so damn much. Anyways we agreed on being friends and slowly work things back out.
A day after christmas she goes with her cousin to Chili's and some guy gives her his phone number... Anyways no big deal blah blah blah friends shit. She told me about it and said if she even thought about dating anyone that she would have him meet me first and I should do the same so I agreed to that.
I asked more about this guy and he's 20 but younger then me has 2 kids and from what she said weighs more then I do. Not tryin to offend any members by saying FAT. Anyways she told me he asked and she told him look I just got out of a serious 5 year relationship and such with a child and I'm not looking for anyone right now. And agian her and I talked things out and seemed like we had a good plan going on.
Anyways my buddy invited me to FWB florida with him for new years. I dont have a gf right now so why should it matter. Im free! Anyways i called her to see how she was and such before new years cause I wanted to talk to her during the count down and such. Well she informs me she is on a date with this guy and blah blah bullshit and I asked well you gonna be home before the ball drops. yea i dont plan on stayin out here late I need to get home. Ok i'll talk to you later. Well an hour before the ball drops I called to see if she made it home ok. Nope she's still with ol fuck. I asked her when she was gonna be home and she said later and I said alright you aint gonna do anything stupid with ol fat fuck like kiss him or fuck him eh? No justin I'm not I promise. Well she kissed the slob and she lied about that which im not gonna lie pissed me off because if I knew something like that was gonna happen I would have went with this crowd of girls I met at the hotel. DAMNIT
Anyways we argue and scream at each other and I try to bring up key point which I cant see to ever get an answer out of cause Im either getting over talked or hung up on.
Well I get home today and call her and TRY to talk but she is being a bitch and such and well guys you know how that is. She goes on trying to explain that I dont care for her and I dont take care of her. Well I have taken her out countless times, bought her clothing, jewelry, and even offered to pay her fines.. lol. I even plan to give her my other car after I get finished fixing it and the supra. But I dont care? We've even talked about it and after I get both fixed looking for a house? I dunno guys I'm just really upset because I've invested so much love and time into something that all it takes is some bitch with a wild hair in her ass to wreck in a matter of days. Something that took years to build. I may look like a big guy and can throw a good beating in the ring but outside that im just a big ol teddy bear. Sure people disagree on things and thats normal and nothings perfect but right now I'm torn up some. I dont know what to do or who to turn to. I need some moral support and someone to talk to.
Don't get me wrong I know its not the end of the world although it feels like it and I can have pretty much any girl I want that I pass by each day and im not tryin to brag. But if I would have known what I do now I would have done had one and not only that but I only want 1 and that was jamie so if this is it between her and I then I dont plan on getting into another relationship for sometime. I'm just really lost right now. And for some of you that know me outside of the forums know that I usually can just laugh even the most serious things off I cant seem to laugh this off.
Funny how things turn out. BTW im not saying all of it is her fault because I share some of the fault but alot of it could have easily been talked over only if she wanted to listen or to talk. Either way I always end up with the shit end of the deal

 

[psifactor]

Wow, that is a long read. Having a kid in the relationship makes it much harder but it sounds like you two need to separate for good and move on. You clearly are not happy together and cannot reach a common ground. Its not worth being yelled at because you go out on friday and saturday without her just to hang out.

It may be hard not but over time you'll realize that is much more enjoyable to be single and not worry about that type of drama.

 

[Justin727]

very understandable thanks for your support!
Yea normally I dont mind an arguement cause I usually forget it within a matter of minutes but she likes to hold it agianst me for sometime. Although it didnt seem like I was happy I was infact happy but when she got to bitching that would piss anyone off. Just seems like she does it more because she expects me to do more for her or "care more and take care" of her more.
Now I could understand her anger If I was going out to bars and such with friends drinking and getting tore up but its far from that. I get blamed for seeing girls also when i am with my friends. Maybe it will be for the best and I will eventually find someone better. I dont mind being single but a cold bed at night is not fun.

 

[Reign_Maker]

I'll call you... F' all this typin!

 

[Allan_MA70]

dude move on! forget about her, just say hi as you walk past to see your son!
sort yourself out, get A1 job A1 new missus then go for custody of your son!

 

[Justin727]

Jake thanks alot for the talk man. I really appreciate it. You just dont know brother. That did help out alot! Thanks man! btw sorry for leaving ya a crazy message the other night lol!

Allan that sounds like a good plan. I think I will do this in the future.

 

[Allan_MA70]

we have all been passangers on train wrecks waiting to happen! get off before it is a major mind job! your no good to anyone when your stressed and not thinking strait so calm yourself, work hard and live a happy life and you will find if your doing well and happy you can look after your son much better and leave him a nice supra when he turns like 21

 

[SupraMario]

Dude, ouch, how old are you?
your son is almost 3 or is 3, she drinks(thats a no no for a mom, period)
when you become a parent, FORGET: partying, drinking, hanging around friends ect. all that stuff u used to do, is gone. Not to be an ass but it seems like you two didnt think this through enough, if you knew she drinks and is still (i see her as naive, from what u have discribed above) a party type person, then you shouldnt have had this kid.
seems also that she needs to grow up a little bit, and she needs to realize that her party/social life is pretty much over till this kid is 10 or so.
If you are bending over backwards for her, and she isnt trying to help out, then she needs help and you can no longer be the knight in shining armor, you need to get your son out and away from her, and you need to raise the kid.
- just my $0.02

 

[shaeff]

damn, justin. having a child in the relationship definately twists it up a bit. honestly though, i would just try to forget her. not completely, just be respectful and always be there for your son. never talk badly about his mother in front of him. that fucks kids up.

if i were in your situation, i'd move on. i was in a relationship for 2 years once, and she was abusive. (two years younger than me, i'm 22 today! happy b-day to me) anyway, after we split, i realized how fucked up she was to me, when i bent over backward for her. my words fell on deaf ears, and she, like your girl, always got the last word in. it's not fair. it's supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP, equal. not equal until you get mad at one another, and one thinks she/he is better. it doesnt work like that.

keep in touch with your son. always be there for him. it sucks, and you'll probaly end up paying child support, but from the way i see it, that's what needs to be done. good luck in your decision, justin.

-shaeff

 

[drunk_medic]

That sounds like a hard situation, man.

Today's society allows these things to happen. "Girl Power" is the immature, playful version of the femi-nazi regime that is attempting to take over and ruin any sense of masculinity in males.

"You can't control me. I'll do what I want!" Think about that attitude and how it sounds: childish. Add that with her drinking and cussing/verbal abuse and you'll find what you really have is a grown woman with wild teenager syndrome. The chances are that if she's been like that for this long, there is no recourse. If you get back together with her, she's going to treat you the same, and any attempts to change that will end up failed.

The only advice that I have is to take care of yourself and your child, physically and mentally. If you have any reason to think that the child is being verbally abused, get him out of there. That's worst-case scenario, but it has to be said.

 

[Greg55_99]

Alright, I'm an OLD FART, I've been around, I'm on my second wife... so I'll be blunt. PAY HER and get her OUT OF YOUR FACE! You can't put a price tag on peace of mind. You can always get more money. You can always get another woman. You CANNOT get back the time you've wasted on this relationship being unhappy so do not waste anymore! So... don't hold out on the money she's going to want, give it to her and get on with your life. You will ALWAYS have some kind of relationship with her because of your kid. And that is what I've learned after all of these years. I'm a MUCH happier person now!

Greg

 

[Justin727]

DeadCell: im 21. Thanks for the support man I appreciate it.
Sheaff: Thanks buddy. that makes alot of sense.
Drunk: you too make alot of sense! I thank you man
Greg: sounds about right. heh
I gotta say thanks to everyone that has voiced their opinions, it means alot to me right now. I just hate for it to end this way but what can I do? nothing.
Agian thank you all for the support it makes me feel a little better and I will take this advice given by all of you. Thanks guys you are all good people!

 

[Adjuster]

Ok, few things I got from reading your very long post.
1) You never got married right?
2) She liked the booze, and still does.
3) Your both too young to be parents, but have been thrown into parenthood like many of us in life.
4) Both of you feel trapped by this relationship, and your child. (True, and not a bad thing, kids are great, but relationships with unexpected kids are often very stressfull at the least.)

So, I also get the following.
1) Your seperated.
2) She wants to control you, and you want to control her, and yet you do not live together? (Or have taken the steps to get married etc.)
3) It bugs you that she's dateing some older fat guy now that your living apart, and you'd have liked to date some ladies yourself if you had realized that she was seeing this other dude.


I suggest the following.
1) Get the hell out of the this relationship. It's unhealthy, and only going to get worse.
2) Get the leagal paperwork done for your son. You should be paying child support, but in the situation where you have found here drinking a bottle of booze or incapacitated by alcohol, you need to keep a very close eye on your son, and his living conditions. They can go downhill very fast with booze, or any other drug. Best way to find out what's up, is to just show up unexpected and see your son. **YOU ARE ONLY THERE TO SEE YOUR SON** Her life, and what's she's doing with it from this point on are her concern. As long as she's a good mom to your son, that's all you should worry about. Who she's dating, and fucking is up to her. (Same goes for you too.)

In short, move on man. It will hurt some, and you will pay for your son for life, but he's worth it Make sure you maintain a good relationship with your son. If you get married to someone else, and he's living with a drunk (worse case here.) I'd work very hard at getting custody. (Hell, make her pay you child support... LOL)

Don't be supprised if most women do not want to take care of other people's kids however. (Your son would be her step son, and you should never forget it, especially in the begining of a realationship.) Same goes for you if the lady you end up with has kids already. It's not easy being Dad to kids that really are not yours, but try and treat them all the same, or your going to end up with even more problems than you have now.

Good luck. You don't have an easy road to walk down, but there is light at the end of this journey.

 

[Reign_Maker]

Jake thanks alot for the talk man. I really appreciate it. You just dont know brother. That did help out alot! Thanks man! btw sorry for leaving ya a crazy message the other night lol!

Like I said, anytime you need to talk, you have my number, call me... Vent on me, or Tyler before you vent on her... When she gets under your skin, SMILE, stay calm, walk away... Then let me have it! Dont let her see you sweat, dont let her see you upset... Because when you do that, she has control, and thats what she wants! "Oh I can do whatever I want, because Justin will ALWAYS take me back!" right? Wrong! Prove her wrong bro...

And dont worry about that message, lol, it was funny! :biglaugh:

 

[GrimJack]

I'm another old fart, on my second wife, etc, etc, and my advice is going to sound a little different than most.

First up, you need to sort yourself out before you can do anything. You sound confused and hurt, and you need to be standing firmly in the center of your own beliefs and goals before you can even think about dealing with someone else's chaos.

You need to figure out what you want out of life in general and from your relationship with her, and from your relationship with your son. Set priorities, and be willing to work towards these goals. Don't fall into the conventional trap where you neglect to consider the 'extreme' options - getting custody of your son, finding another woman, and even walking away from everything. You don't have to TAKE these options, but you need to remember that they exist.

Now, about the ladyfriend. You cannot change other people. Remember this. You can accept what they are, and from there decide how much you want to be involved with them, or what level of support you will provide them.

And about the son. This is cold, but it's truth. Do NOT try to salvage a relationship for the sake of your son. The best thing you can do for your son is to provide a stable, reliable, father. Keep in mind that it's your job to raise your son to a responsible adult first, and be his friend second.

Last, but not least, I'll leave you with a bonus. The benfit to having children early is that you'll be over the financial strain of raising a child before you are 40... unlike folks like me, who will be retiring when their kids are entering College!

PS: Hang in there buddy, it's a long trip, but there are some nice things to watch along the way.

 

[tte]

Hi Justin,

I am not a master in relationships but I have been thru shit and I have learnt alot about them. I am young but I learnt alot about life travelling on my own and dealing with everything on my own.

First of all having a child is a big step. I always think that when you have a child you need to put your child's needs in front of yours.

1/.Be a good dad to your son and do not talk shit bout his mother to him.
Let him make up his own mind.

2/. There seems to be too many painful and stressful moments in the relationship and that is a red flag....a bad sign.

Red Flags:

She goes out on dates and tells you about the guys she dates.
Thats a big no no...If a girl loves you she will not date other guys. She will have eyes for you only.

When you talked to her about her bad friends, she did not listen to you.
A good girl friend who listen to you. The fact that she did not want to take your good advice says that she believed and enjoyed her friends more.

She drank and got drunk.

But its all done and said. Just leave her and move on but look after your son.
You do not want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who acts like that towards you.


For the Future:

Do not do this

Never show women that you are a teddy bear. Women call guys friends and make them their teddy bear..someone they can seek comfort from when they are sad but they will not go out with.

Never spend alot of money on women...If you are married and she loves you alot then its ok....and when you date women do not buy expensive gifts or they will keep expecting it.

Show confidence...if you dont have it, act it...
Never let women know about your failures in life...Well not the big ones...They will begin to think that you are a loser.

Never bring up your ex or any past relationship with her. It will piss her off...if not at that moment, it will later.

Never show too much jealously or attention...You have to play a little cat and mouse to make them work for your love and make them ache for you.
If you give a woman your love easy, she will take you for granted.
Most guys will do alot to get a woman and most guys get jealous easily.
Be different and you will leave her suprised and aching for more attention from you.

About love:

I have been there....You can beleive you are in love and convince yourself that she loves you but it all comes down to actions...Always look for love in her actions...If it does not show, she does not love you.
Always remember its is not how you feel,but how the girl feels towards you.

A woman who loves you does not lie to you.
A woman who loves you does not date other men.
A woman who loves you is flexible towards your needs.
A woman who loves you comforts you when you are down.

Remember falling in love is a risk...Maybe your heart will be broken or maybe it will not. Some guys go out there with their hearts in their hands giving it to every woman out there and thier hearts get broken.
Keep your heart inside and build a fence around and let no woman touch it...
UNTIL you definately 100% know she is a good woman.

Like you said " you put so much time in it and its all wasted"
Time is so important...your life, your love is important...You want to love someone who will love you back.
Next time be a detective..Find out everything about the woman before investing your love.

Look after yourself man....Get your degree or whatever you plan to do...Get a good career...You are single now..Enjoy your alone time...So many men would yearn for alone time.

This is the New Year...Make new goals and focus on them and your son...Soon you will find that working hard n smart will bring you success and your confidence will grow and you will attract the type of women that you want.

ALL THE BEST MAN...AND HOPE YOU HAVE A MUCH BETTER YEAR....

Cheers,
Roy

 

[Justin727]

Adjuster. Thanks man I'll take some of that to heart but some of your facts were a little off. lol. I dont think I was tryin to control her but look after her and I didnt feel trapped in a relationship at all.

Grim. Thanks buddy that I advice I will take very well! Thanks agian that was great!!!

TTE. Thanks to you also buddy I appreciate it.
Thanks To everyone that has given me advice. Although times is hard right now every little bit helps. If only you guys knew how much it actually means to me. I didnt post on sf's because I feel that this community even thru most of it worst is tight nit. I feel I have friends on her that I havent met and some I've had the pleasure to meet and talk to over the phone. Agian thanks everyone comming home from work thinking about it all day and getting stressed comming home to read this helped.

 

[mkiiSupraMan18]

Not that my opinion matters, but I agree with D34DC311. Once you bring a kid into this world you're stuck with it. Also, I think any relationship that takes THAT much work to keep peiced together should have been ended a long time ago. Although I'm not faced with the same degree of problems that you are, and I won't be because I believe in abstanence *don't care about the spelling*, I think that both parties need to grow up a little bit if every arguement turns into a fight. (if that makes sense). My GF and I have been together 6 yrs and we have never had a fight, disagreements but no fights. I personally think that if you can "laugh anything off" then an arguement is no different. Instead of listening to her yelling and trying to pick out what it is that is pissing you off so much, listen and learn from it. If she doesn't want you to go out (and you are seriously interested in a relationship) the don't go out, or make a deal with her about it. I know the same thing has been stated in just about every post before me, and I hope it's sinking in. But seriously, if you are "mature" enough to bring a child into this world you better be ready to take care of it. As stated before me THAT should be your #1 priority.

I can't believe I read through all of this post... looooong posts throughout

 

[CTsupra]

Hmm... A lot of people in here have given really good advice aleady, so all I'm going to say is -- get back in the military. You said you were at basic for 11 weeks and had top drop out, so I'm guessing you were trying to become a Marine?

Anyway, if your worried about your financial well being right now... read: child support... or trying to figure out what to do with your education -- get back in the military, and go Army National Guard if you don't want to be full-time. The Reserves suck -- any branch, and they don't have half the benefits of the Guard. One example, Guard = 100% free college tuition, Reserves = 75%. This is the main reason why I signed up. I also get $500 a month, in my pocket, just for taking four classes a semester (12 credits). I get this on top off my weekend drill pay, and a 10,000 sign on bonus. Well, this is because I scored higher than 50% on the ASVAB. And then there's the G.I. Bill and all of that crap.

Part-time Military = free money, IMO. You already went to basic, Marine Corps basic at that. You already know what you need to know.

 

[Justin727]

Thanks mkII, I have been more than happy to take care of my son. I spare no expense and most time when I have a day off. I have tried to bring her out with me on the weekends but it doesnt amuse her, I've even stayed at home and tried to take her out. I've done my part in the relationship. I dont try to pick anything she says apart because she keeps on and on so I take it and I do learn from it but its always something new. But thanks for the advice and concerns I appreciate it. btw I pretty much do not argue back with her for the sake of going on with it. I hate to argue. She never use to be like that, dunno why she changed.
CT. I've been thinking about getting back into it for the last 3 months. Money isnt a problem at all. I've been going to school and working and its not that bad. I spend time with my kid on my days off and try to get things finished to help provide more then what I already do to my ex relationship and son. She's the only girl I've ever known to have a problem with me talking with buddies on the weekends. Thanks man. I appreciate all the concerns