needed someone to talk to ( in a sense)

[willfish]

ok, um where do I start ?
I just don't know what to do w/ myself anymore. My life anymore consists of getting drunk every night, an I do mean every night, playing my guitars an Gee, not much more past that. Just when you think your past those teen-age yeas of peer pressure, an thinking about things like suicide an nat you make it to your twenties , an now in my early thirties an things get better w/ maturity. Well, I just don't know why I'm so down all the time? I mean I have a good job that I fought so desperately for in succeeding in, comming from a high school drop out that wasn't looked at to succeed much. I own my house in a rather dumpy city, looking forward to buying a new house in a better town, I have a 03 super charged Xterra, a 04 ski boat, 91 ford ranger incase I need something moved, an my 90 turbo supra that I have a small fortune invested in. Plus I'm going to school so I can futher my career in the line of work that I do.
um, I pretty much abandoned my family completey an I don't associalte with them at all. Too much drama , an I realize its cause I have certain chips on my shoulders an I'm way to proud an stubborn to make things better, My little brother of i think 25 use to be my bestfriend, At the time of him getting his 1st g/f he had laees an less time for me. I know that happens with friends an that, but not blood. after fighting for a good yrs worth, I gave up on him an I haven't seen or spoken to him since my Grandmothers funeral over a yr ago last Feburary. thats a big hit .

It just seems like there is a great deal of void in my life. Not to start any arguements with the you guy's, but I also feel that there is mo god. Sorry not to capitalize god. I just feel in my beliefs that when you die, thays it, from dust to dust, you are dead. I was brought up catholic, an that there is a god an Jesus died for us. Well as far as that, to the extent, I feel that there was a a Jesus doing good things (deeds) an what not, but I honestly feel that its just one big conspiracy plot made up my the church to maintain power... Just seems like ones life span of 60,70, 80 yrs of a human life is just so insignificant being here for such a short time. And I just don't think theres nothing more after this "crude matter " of a life to look forward to after death.
Now things airn't what they use to be with my now x g/f. We have been on the outs an I never really thought about things of being w/out her. Well, she cam a saw me the last week I was in N.Carolina for work, an things were cool, I come home only to get my dog from her from watching him, an she go'e of fthe deepend about not careing anymore. Instead of flipping out, I just leave. Well its been about two weeks since then an she doesn't really call or come over anymore. Well evertime I call , its get ugly an all she does is hang up an not answer witch really pisses me off even more. Needless to say, in a normal down drunken night , I drive to here house at 6 am , stiil drunk from Saturday night, "didnt go to sleep" .. an when I get there, a strange car is there.. , I throw rocks at her window an se comes down, I know something is up, cause she came outside instead of me going in. Well, after talking a bit, she go'es inside only after I follow. , I go straight for the bed room, to find some dork in her bed.....
I keep my cool , but I do threaten him to leave before I break his neck, dude gets scared an does leave, but the punk did call the cops on his cell, after he left. My X, told the cops that I was cool an not to make me leave,... So now my girl was supposed to come over last night to talk , she got halfway here an turned around an said she's afraid of me now,, "that is such a typical crok that woman say "" then said she'd come over today,,( monday the 15th) only to find a email saying she cant do it, and noe changed her cell #..
I am so lost anymore an just don't know what to do... you would to think that the hard things in life get easier to cope w/ an get over, but anymore its getting really hard. I mean alot of days I just feel like a lost cause anfeel myself just standing ther not knowing what to do with myself when I just want to break down a cry.... Usually my drinking takes away the problems for a few hrs till the next day comes around for me to admire the supra, take the boat out or something untill evening comes around to feel down about my life agin with my beer on my right of the computer desk, the mixed white russian on the lft, with one of my guitars infront of me , but in tonights case I think there will be some shots too. "I just don't understand life anymore ".
I'm sorry if this is yet another thread about being down, but I really do feel like taking that step over the edge.
I never thought I could go through w/ something like that, but more an more lately, I think I could go through w/ it. I am a big wuss when it comes to that, but the thought is rendering more an more. I always said , if I were to do it, I would want to be in the car, maybe the tubing going from the exhaust an wrappiung around the car an into the window while its running . I'm not saying I am going to do anything, but unfortunately, the thought is becoming more present. a few months ago, I did buy a nice 40 cal semi. hmm.
" I just don't think I can COPE anymore with life. Again, I am sorry to write this crap, but all of my friend that I grew up with are all either gone seperate ways, people I don't want to asociate w/ or now have their own families, so I really don't have anyone to talk to , well except my dog...

"I just don't know anymore"

Will

 

[Joel W.]

My advice is to quit drinking right now, put the gal on hold and focus on yourself for a while. Make amends with your family as they are the only ones you can really count on.

A few days sober you will feel better..

 

[92Turbo]

It sounds to me like you need to surround yourself with good friends and family, more then anything. It seems like you are doing good for yourself as far as your carreer and such, but you have not done enough for yourself...sometimes it is hard to go back to your family but if you drop the problemb with them, you will be surprised how much they may help you. The fact that you are drinking so much is certainly not going to help your depression. You sound like your a good guy who is just out of place right now. Try to find something that makes you feel good about yourself, like volunteering to help others. No one is gonna brake this cycle for you, you have to start to make a change for yourself. I hope something I said helps

Steve

 

[americanjebus]

i stopped hanging out with allot of my lifelong friends for various reasons, i have made new ones and they have left, some i lost to pot, some died. I find myself like you looking to do nothing but acheive the next level and get that prize for my hard work that i can put on my shelf/living room or garage. I keep hoping to go to seattle because maybe it will be more fun to live over there. But none of that matters, having the crap and having the house in the location doesnt do shit.

I went out with a girl for a while for not so "honerable" reasons and learned something VERY important about life. Her dad was a network admin and was relocated to new cities up to 5 times in 1 year leaving her without any long term friends or relationships. As soon as she made a friend she lost them and moved to another state. and everywhere she went the one thing everyone had in common is they would bitch that "i want to move to ______ that place would be so much more fun to live in than this dump" everyone no matter how big the city she lived in was always sad and hoping to move elsewhere. Either that or they just wanted to own more crap. Then she realized that its not where you live, or what you have that makes you happy because she saw them all and none were. Its what YOU make of it.

that changed my life. I dont care if i end up owning the MKIV,STI and EVO that i dream of having in my 10 car garage, its whether i can be happy living in a 1 bedroom home and a bike,with someone i love. Thats it.

Doesnt matter what you have or drive man. my friend bitches that he cant get girls cus he doesnt have a job or a car. I have TWO of EACH and im still single, that has nothing to do with who you are.

I was diagnosed with depression 2 years ago, surprised some people, but i do my best to deal with it, you can to.

 

[1TuffSupra]

we all get down from time to time, but while im not a professional, it does sound like you are depressed dude. I dont know you whatsoever really, but it sounds like you are suffering from depression. You should really consider talking to someone that can help you with that. I know how you feel though man, I used to get trashed every night too. It was basically just me trying to deal with losing some of my best friends left and right. Some of them got mad with me over simple shit, some did me really really dirty and if I see that MF on the streets its gonna be a fight, the rest I pretty much cut off because I was too busy being depressed and drinking myself to sleep every night. My little brother is also a bit of an asshole. We havent ever really been close, but he is currently out of control. He is one of those wannabe gangsta's he tells people he is from NY, though he is an army brat and was born in GA. He has a gun, well he is actually on his 2nd one since his first one was stolen by his supposed friends. He just got kicked out of college because he was found with one of the guns on campus. He has NO job and doesnt plan on supporting himself in any way shape or form. He also got into a horrible car accident, the end result was his 16yr old gf dying at the scene and my parents having to pay out the ass for his court costs and dealing with the parents loss. And on top of all of it, my mom just keeps letting him do the dumb shit because she keeps giving him money and paying for anything and everything he wants. I had totaled my eclipse about 3yrs ago now and the rents promised to help me get another whip since I was in college and only working part time. They ended up buying him a 02 1.8T jetta, which was the car I wanted at the time, and then after he totaled it they bought him some widebody civic coupe. Of course I was mad about it because Im in school making good grades trying to better myself and cant get a lick of help, all the while he is always completely disrespectful and cussing them out, failing out of school, etc. Hell the only reason he even graduated from HS was because my parents did half his school work during his senior yr. As a true car enthusiast, for as long as i can remember, I was mad as hell. He never gave two shits about owning a car until he turned 16, whereas Ive been reading SCC and car and Dr since I was like 9 or 10. Even once he got the car he didnt even appreciate it. Of course everyone in my family wants me to do something about it like its my responsibility, since Im the oldest. So yeah I know how life can throw you a curve ball from time to time. But what truly seemed to work for me, was to cut back on the drinking a hell of a lot and not worrying about all the things going on with my bro and everyone else and concentrate on me. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist that was on campus and it really really helped. At this point in my life, im still not completely happy (who is really), but I have been able to deal with it in a constructive rather than destructive manner

 

[MKivSupra_Rob]

wow all construstive replies i was really expecting people to be like "emo?" but none of that, good to see, but yeah these guys all said the crap i would have too.

 

[supra90turbo]

I am wearing new socks, and damn is it nice.

 

[1TuffSupra]

c'mon dude, you see the guy is having some serious issues here. With talks of suicide and such cant you pick another thread to be funny in man. Im not trying to step on any toes, but damn.

 

[willfish]

its cool, thanks for the defense, but I know he's just messing .. no pun intended....

but,
I'm sitting here thinking, an , I just dont know anymore....

Will

 

[jetjock]

1Tuff is right. You may have a legitimate medical issue. Depression isn't, common to popular belief, just "all in your head". You should see a mental health professional. No shame in it either. You also have a serious substance abuse problem.

That aside, no offense intended but I'd have never guessed in a million years you were in your thirties. Based on what you wrote and how you're conducting your life you still have great deal of maturity to gain.

Family is important but in the end it's all in your own hands. You need to focus. Break the damaging habits you've become accostomed to in your life and set new goals. Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results will only lead to circling the drain.

 

[americanjebus]

its cool, thanks for the defense, but I know he's just messing .. no pun intended....

but,
I'm sitting here thinking, an , I just dont know anymore....

Will

i have a few friends that have gone through this same feeling, the idea of "whats tomorrow have thats so great?" the thing is you dont know what it is you dont know, you have to understand that you cant know what your missing out on. change something. call your family, call your friends, make new ones, stop drinking and make an honest effort and the rewards will be beyond what you could imagine.

 

[willfish]

anymore,, i am really starting to feel like " whats the point in all of this" ?
seriously. I mean why ? not like in 100 yrs anyone will care or remember...

Guy's, In never intended to get like this, maybe I'm bi poler or something, i mean during the day, for example last summr, I can be out on my boat ,, happy an as high on life as can be, when I'm out doing eddy current on a nuclear steam generator I am so happy working w/ my coworkers witch are all in there 50's an 60's, its great to be w/ them an listen to what they can teach me,, but when I'm home alone,, contemplating about life,, ? I never really thought I could end it... I hate to say it, ,, on another note, i would rather saty home an drink instead of going out on a date with my girl friend . there has been numerous times that I was out on a date , or met up with someone , an I had to cut it short so I could go home and get drunk rather than get laid .....
guy's seriously,, I am really tired of it all...

Will

 

[Suprawannabe]

anymore,, i am really starting to feel like " whats the point in all of this" ?
seriously. I mean why ? not like in 100 yrs anyone will care or remember...

Guy's, In never intended to get like this, maybe I'm bi poler or something, i mean during the day, for example last summr, I can be out on my boat ,, happy an as high on life as can be, when I'm out doing eddy current on a nuclear steam generator I am so happy working w/ my coworkers witch are all in there 50's an 60's, its great to be w/ them an listen to what they can teach me,, but when I'm home alone,, contemplating about life,, ? I never really thought I could end it... I hate to say it, ,, on another note, i would rather saty home an drink instead of going out on a date with my girl friend . there has been numerous times that I was out on a date , or met up with someone , an I had to cut it short so I could go home and get drunk rather than get laid .....
guy's seriously,, I am really tired of it all...

Will

You need to stop drinking!! About a year ago I stopped and feel a lot better. For about 3 years I drank everyday, three 40's of hurricane or liquor and I was set. After a while I started having blackout's and getting in fights and just stupid shit in general. It got to the point were my brother sat me down and told me how worried he was (I almost beat my dad up for no reason the night before) and that I need to stop. For the first month I could not sleep at all and really wanted to drink. After a while I didnt really care weather I drank or not. Also I pretty much dropped all my friends since they drank and did all sorts of drugs. When I drank I would just forget about my problems I had at the time and when I woke up I would feel like shit and start thinking about how my life sucked and I was going no were fast. I never went to a psychologist but I changed my daily routine totally and it made a huge difference. It sounds like you have a unstable family so making amens with them might not be the greatest idea( depends on what happened between you and them) but im only saying this cause I had a good amount of friends whos parents did more drugs than they did.

To sum up what I just said, STOP DRINKING. It you feel depressed alcohol just makes it worse. Be prepared to feel more depressed at first when you do stop but I dealt with that by going biking or hiking instead of going to my friend's house and being surrounded by drugs and alcohol.

 

[GrimJack]

Well, you certainly need to do something. I've got a few more things to add to the list of suggestions...

Several folks have suggested you stop drinking, but nobody has mentioned why. Drinking doesn't solve the problem, it just postpones in for another day, at the cost of a little bit more of your health and sanity. You need to work on the problem instead of masking the symptoms.

I'll second JJ suggestion - find some therapy, where ever you can. Your local church, community center, AA group, whatever it may be, and whatever helps you personally.

Another small thing that has helped me over the years. I take some time, every day, to stop, look around me, and find the happy bits, however small they may be. Years ago I used to write them down in a little notebook, just enough so that I could remember them, and every week or so I'd go back and read the notebook. Now it's enough to just have that small time, even when it's only a half a minute a day.

 

[willfish]

seriously guys, whats the point ?? I just dont know anymore. why ?


" the cliff is too high, so why even try ?""

guy's, I';m really starting to feel like giving up .. honestly
I mean, I feel better drinking for one.

another thing, its becoming so difficult talking to people/women.,,
Ive had enough battle scars, of being shot down , I feel like why even bother..,, all women want is to have a nice guy, so why is it that they shoot us down all the time,

guy's seriously, I can't take it anymore

Will

 

[jam4484]

I am no doctor, but I have been suffering from depression for around 3 years now and it is not easy, but you need to try and take it day by day. I used to smoke pot all the time to get rid of my pains because the meds that the doctors gave me didn't help much and if i drank on them, they would make my stomach kill...now it was really hard for me to stop smoking and I lost all of my friends when I quit because I needed to move on. Drinking or doing drugs just makes the problem worse. Life isn't easy and I always thought my life would turn out great because I had the good grades, good sat scores, girl friend, every college wanted me to run and play soccer for them, but I messed it all up and it is all gone now, but one thing I have now that I didn't before is my family. People come and go but you need to try and get help from those who really care, your family. I go and talk to a therapist and all that, but it doesn't help much. It is the small things like playing with my dogs, or fixing a small thing on my car or even just helping my dad that makes things better. Just take it day by day and try and realize that it will get better and it is a slow process, but you will make it through. I hope you are feeling better as I know how it feels to fall in a slump and if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

Jon Martens

 

[SupraMario]

I really dont have much suggestions for you as i havent really tasted life yet.
but I know this is going to sound nerdy.
Pick up an MMORPG and start playing.
you enjoy talking to people here online, a game is just that more interactive.
Even if you might never meet the people on the other end, its hella fun to just BS with people on a game,
I'm playing Lineage2 right now, and I really dont care what people tell me, I go to school, i have a job, im single, and when people tell me to grow up and stop playing games, I just get a good laugh out of it.
try it for a month, its good entertainment, and gives you something to do after all the other toys you have, haven't helped much.

 

[SupraDreamPDR]

well, for one thing, life itself, is not fair. sorry, but that is just the way it is. and believe it or not, you are not the only person in the world that is having problems... ...and all the bad thing do not just happen to you. you are just going to have to get over your problems and deal with them. and remember, nothing ever stays the same, there is always going to be bad times and there will always be good times. good luck and get sober dude, alcohol is a weak persons way to hide.

 

[drunk_medic]

I've had bouts with depression, but it has never been long-term; still, I do know what it is like to be down and out. I have to admit, there was a time not too long ago that the stress level at work was so high, I had to call the shrink and talk. I said to them, if I was not happily married, as I am at this stressful point in my life, I would not be able to take this anymore. Without my wife's support and love, I do believe that I never would have called for help, and I would have killed myself this past winter.

Since then, I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and agorophobia. I also have had acid reflux problems for the past 5+ years that flare up horribly when I am under stress. My anxiety at work carried home to my daily routines. I'm not joking, on the weekends I was worried about stuff at work, worried that they were going to call me in. Eventually, it drained me mentally. I was not sleeping well, and I couldn't think straight. I was at the breaking point. I started going to an anxiety group, and it has helped me tremendously. I learned what many causes and effects are, some breathing techniques, and things that can help. I have a problem where I get about 1/4 way into the aisles of a grocery store and I would be so tense that I would turn into a zombie. My mind would go blank. I couldn't concentrate and I had a hard time breathing. I felt irritated and couldn't focus. I would essentially become useless in public scenarios. My wife would ask me if I wanted her to finish shopping, and I could go get some air, or wait at the car, but I would refuse. I found out later that I did the right thing - these disorders do not go away for most people, you simply learn how to deal with it, and learn tools to help you out. After months of toughing out the supermarket and breathing and relaxing while there, I have gotten much better. I was actually able to make it all the way through shopping, while talking coherently with my wife, where I usually would shut down 1/2 way through.

You are probably thinking "Man, that guy is MESSED UP!" Well, I was and I am still fighting it, but the point I'm trying to make here is that you are not alone - there are others with problems who have sought help, and it has made big differences. People can give you the tools, whether it be counseling, medication, or just someone to talk with. Please, do seek help. Talk to people and find what you need, because you deserve it. Please, also continue to update us Will, because I can guarantee that although some of us barely know you, I am not the only Supramania member who is concerned for your welfare.

 

[jam4484]

Willfish any word on how you are doing? I hope talking with us and seeing how many of your fellow supra owners have mental problems is helping you because you are not alone and we are here to help with what we can. Again, If there is anything that will help, please let me know.

Jon Martens