TEN BEST TIPS FOR FEARLESS FLYING
Speeding-ticket headaches? Dr. Bigone has just the medicine for you.
by Dr. Umberto Bigone
Umberto Bigone (bee-GO-nay) ranks as one of the world's most
enthusiastic motorists. At home here in Europe, or even in Canada, Dr.
Bigone's license is pristine and points-free, which is to say clean,
making him, statistically at least, a paragon of law-abiding propriety, a
status he has enjoyed for decades.
How, we asked Dr. Bigone, can he drive so _rapidamente_ so
regularly, while for the rest of us it's all we can do to keep our points
total below the license-threatening redline? Generously, he has
consented to share with us his ten best tips for flying on the highway
without fear. Of cops. These tips are, most of them, methods we here at
_Car and Driver_ are well acquainted with, but Dr. Bigone's unique
presentation conveys them concisely and in one highly entertaining and
easy-to-use package.
I, Dr. Umberto Bigone, lover of high velocity vehicles and of using
them in the manner that God intended, share for the first time with my
fellow enthusiasts knowledge gained over decades of experience on heavily
patrolled highways of the nation and the world. I do this free of
charge, though the evolution of my secrets came in small, incremental,
often expensive steps as new situations, new equipment, and new
measurement techniques caused my original Golden Rule ("Watch Your
Rear-View Mirror' ) to blossom into the Ten Best Ways.
As in all offers American, a disclaimer is called for: if, after you
learn these rules, you are apprehended, please do not attempt to call me
and threaten legal action. Remember that advice may be worth no more
than what you paid for it (nothing in this instance) and that Dr.
Bigone's special remedy cannot *eliminate* the risk of apprehension,
though my tips can and do dramatically reduce such risk.
RULE 1: SELECT PROPER EQUIPMENT
You cannot hope to speed with impunity without proper equipment.
The best radar detector money can buy is a mandatory investment. But
there is more: think about the car itself. A bright red Ferrari F40 or
Lamborghini Diablo, and a bespoilered and fat-tired Mustang GT are
"ticket magnets." A nondescript Ford Aerostar, in mouse-gray- metallic,
or a powder-blue generic U.S. sedan, are largely ticket-proof. It is
sad, but the more overtly your vehicle displays the intent for high-speed
use, the less it will be capable of doing so. Perhaps this fact explains
why, in a presumably Darwinian evolution, Corvette drivers have become
slower and slower, to the point of now being tragic but amusing mobile
chicanes The answer to driving fast without resorting to a dull
automobile is the sports sedan, and fine examples abound, ranging from
the Infiniti Q45 to the Taurus SHO and the Dodge Sprint R/T. If ordered
in other than "Arrest-Me-Red", the modern sports sedan will provide many
more miles of hassle free motoring at far greater speeds than a more
"overt" vehicle. All cars may look the same to a radar gun, but radar is
not the only threat, and if you are stopped, the type of vehicle you
drive and *what it says s about your driving style* can be of decisive
importance
RULE 2: RECOGNIZE THE THREAT EARLY
This is a straightforward rule. Believe your detector, even if it
gives only a short, uncertain signal. It may well be the dreaded K-band
"instant-on" aimed at vehicles ahead of you. How often have I, hurtling
down the highway, heard the first plaintative bleat from my Escort,
pulled courteously to the right, permitted my close follower (in
disregard of Rules 5 and 6) to blast by, only to have him receive a full
dose of microwaves seconds later. This is inevitably followed by the
offensive sucking-vacuum sound of a large police cruiser rushing past the
now sanctimomously-slow Dr. Bigone. The scene ends, so sad, with a
display of flashing lights somewhere up ahead
Scanning X-band radar is falling into increasing disuse, and many
agencies are resorting to traditional seek-and-pace techniques. Or they
may sneak up behind, match your speed, and then, within range, squeeze
off a burp of instant-on to lock up the evidence. So sad, yes?
You must learn to recognize "threat" vehicles. Even though the
telltale "light bar" is increasingly absent, threat vehicles have some
common characteristics: they are almost always American, usually
full-size Fords, full-size Chevrolets, Mustang GTs, or Plymouth Gran
Furys/Dodge Diplomats. Period.
Even without light bars, you should be able to pick out these
vehicles at great distances by looking for windshield-pillar mounted
spotlights (carefully folded inward) and, more importantly, fat tires.
When approaching a suspect vehicle from the rear, look for the above cues
plus check the underside for the telltale stabilizer bar, especially on
Chevrolets.
If you think you see a well-shod white, ivory, blue, or black
Diplomat, Caprice, Mustang, or Crown Vic in your rear-view mirror, slow
down! Permit him to come closer for positive identification. The
seconds lost are meaningless and quickly regained if the possible threat
is found to be benign.
When entering a new state, take a few moments at a local gas pump to
learn what types of vehicles and what types of surveillance the
indigenous enforcement professionals use. It's time well spent.
RULE 3: MAINTAIN A GOOD DAYTIME SCAN
Daytime threat-avoidance is different from night-avoidance. You see
the threat earlier, but he also sees you. (This is where the wisdom of
Rule 1 becomes apparent: Innocuous cars may pass unnoticed.)
When moving smartly in daylight hours, constantly scan your mirrors
and the road
ahead for threats. Slow when going through underpasses, for the enforcer
may be parked out of sight behind the far-side concrete. Be suspicious
of *any* vehicle parked on the inside or outside shoulder. Slow down
until you are sure it is not an enforcer. Check on-ramps as you drive by
them. Give a quick look over your right shoulder, all the way to the top
of the on-ramp to ensure that it is clean of the authorities. Monitor
your rear-view mirror constantly for any sign of unusual activity. Try
to remember cars that you pass. If, later, you see what appears to be a
possible threat vehicle far behind you and don't remember passing it,
slow down for identification. Even if you are *reasonably sure* you
passed it, if that vehicle is now *matching your speed* (not getting
smaller in your rear-view mirror), slow down for positive identification.
Proper daytime scan has saved the author as many as five times per
month.
RULE 4: MAINTAIN A GOOD NIGHT SCAN
At night, the radar-silent enforcer is hard to see. The daytime
rules of underpass-slowing and on-ramp checking apply, but are more
difficult to execute.
The risk of moving up on an enforcer vehicle can be minimized by
learning taillights. This is largely a process of elimination: pickups,
vans, minivans, and Japanese or European vehicles are not likely to be
threats. Nor are Chevettes, Escorts, GM J-bodies, or any
front-wheel-drive vehicle. But if it looks large, or has Mustang LX
taillights, you must immediately look for folded-in spotlights and/or fat
rubber. Tragically, if these items are present, you must slow down,
though it might only be an employee of a private security service on his
way home. You can't take the chance.
The prime instrument for night driving is the rear-view mirror, and
the prime rule is to drive fast enough so that all headlights of passed
motorists reduce rapidly in size. Any pair of headlamps that maintains
the same size or the same separation between the lamps calls for
immediate deceleration pending positive identification.
RULE 5: PRACTICE STEALTH, DECEPTION AND "HIDING"
You can move fast without exposing yourself, because you can usually
find a "hare" who is pleased to demonstrate that his car is better than
yours. Never attempt to dissuade him: instead, drop back to a safe
distance and enjoy the radar shield. Do maintain the rear scan, because
threat vehicles coming from behind you are now your responsibility.
Moving in a lane containing Class 8 trucks some distance ahead will
also shield your car until you pass the truck. In daylight hours, you
may choose to run at times with lights, at times without, hiding yourself
in front of a group of trucks when you change illumination. The reason
for this is that an enforcer, having "noticed" you from a long distance
back, will be looking for a certain as-yet-unidentified vehicle with
lights on (or without) as he moves quickly up through traffic. Suddenly,
he is in identifiable range of a vehicle *similar* in size and shape to
the one he believes may have been violating, only now the illumination is
different from what he saw earlier, thus rendering him unsure.
Meanwhile, you, practicing Rule 2 and 3, will have slowed to a
quasi-legal speed. This usually draws a perplexed and suspicious look
from the officer, but no pull-over order, *especially if you have removed
your radar detector from the windshield or visor.*
An integral part of deception and hiding is the placement and
removal of the detector. The unit belongs on the windshield or dash
*directly in front of you* so that a following threat vehicle cannot see
it. If you were an enforcer, would you not pursue vehicles wherein
reside little amber or green blinking lights and kinky power cords, which
can be seen from hundreds of feet away? If you believe you have been
actually "noticed" by a trailing police vehicle, hide in front of large
trucks, accelerate while under cover, and exit any off-ramp or rest area.
At this juncture, you have nothing to lose.
Any time you believe that an officer wants to close in on you,
remove the detector at once and place it on the seat next to you. If you
are in imminent danger being stopped, execute the following emergency
procedures in sequence: ( 1) remove detector and jam under seat, (2) wipe
off suction cup or other telltale mark with moistened index fingertip,
and (3) *replace the cigarette lighter!* An empty cigarette lighter
outlet is a dead giveaway to the officer that he is dealing with a
chronic but sly violator. He will treat you accordingly.
RULE 6: BEWARE OF SLOW MOVING "CLUMPS"
Many an otherwise-experienced and skillful motorist gets done in by
what I call "clumps." Clumps are largish groups of vehicles covering all
available lanes which move at, or close to, the posted limit. Danger
lurks, strangely enough, because the vehicles are maintaining a very safe
nose-to-tail distance, thus permitting the unsuspecting enthusiast to
carefully make his way through. Unfortunately, when he emerges at the
front of the clump, he will see a blinding array of flashing lights
overwhelming his rearview mirror. Moral: most loose clumps contain at
least one enforcer vehicle, one near the front (a marked cruiser) and
maybe one near the center, or end, checking for lane-changing and
in-and-out weaving. The latter may be unmarked, but knowledge of Rule 2
makes it a dead giveaway. There is *no* excuse for getting caught in a
clump.
RULE 7: BEWARE OF CURVES, CRESTS, AND GRASSY MEDIANS
Instant-on may be placed so that the violator can be "shot" just as
he crests a hill, before he has a chance to react. The crest ahead of
you may also hide a police vehicle coming in the other direction, radar
at the ready. Slow down before crests. It's safer.
RULE 8: AVOID UNPROFESSIONAL AND PROVOCATIVE BEHAVIOR
The smart motorist does not alienate others. Slow to a *moderate*
speed differential when passing other motorists. (After all, one of
those benign-looking minivans may contain an off-duty officer equipped
with pen and phone.) It is also good judgment to avoid provocative
license plates such as "HI OFCR" or "SPEEDR." If I were an enforcer, I
would give no breaks to those bearing the bumper sticker, "How's my
driving Call 1-800-EAT-SHlT."
I recently recieved this in an email, and I hadn't seen in since my grandfather gave me a copy when I first got my license. I routinely do long trips at 80-90mph, and these tips have helped me keep my driving record clear (a bit of thanks to traffic schools too).
