Joke for today...

JMDigital

JMDigital

Authorized Vendor
Jun 2, 2006
976
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16
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Tampa, Florida
www.cardomain.com
A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.

She's not aware that her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet during
their meetings. During one such meeting, her husband comes home
unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

A week later, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in
the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church, the father alerts the priest, makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!!"
 
MK3Brent

MK3Brent

Very expensive....
Aug 1, 2005
2,878
0
0
Greensboro and Greenville NC
A blond chick was dropping off a blouse to be dry cleaned.

In a hurry out the door she asked: "Done in an hour?"

The clerk said: "I'm sorry, come again?"

The blond chick replied: "No, mustard!"
 
A-to-the-J

A-to-the-J

Panda™ and Pre-89 Gracer™
Feb 19, 2006
1,080
1
38
38
Anaheim/West Covina, CA
eh, i got one. kind of long.

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he
thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was
gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was
browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained
his situation.

The old man said, "Well, we have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and
so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So, what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay
an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other
dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to
a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door,
and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the
vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once
more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely
incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-
shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She
tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten
to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She
put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with
every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm
made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately
pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had
to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink,
officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it
won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant
voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history
 
suprahero

suprahero

naughty by nature
Staff member
Aug 26, 2005
14,971
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36
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Roll Tide
Bravo bravo, very well done. You guys crack me up most of the time without the jokes, but this is just as good...........:biglaugh:
 
JMDigital

JMDigital

Authorized Vendor
Jun 2, 2006
976
0
16
52
Tampa, Florida
www.cardomain.com
A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford
the stud service so he goes to the Vet.

Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't
afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"

Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes
on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out
of the farmer's price range.

Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything
else?"

Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough
to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs
out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields
and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll
get them pregnant."

Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"

Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next
day."

So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put
the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later
that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the
next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and
drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking
around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes
back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week
and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks
his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.

Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"

Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back
of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."
 
JMDigital

JMDigital

Authorized Vendor
Jun 2, 2006
976
0
16
52
Tampa, Florida
www.cardomain.com
Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks
great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at
peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up
in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the
bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets
up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then
poof! The light goes off?"

Thelma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
 
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