Chuck Norris

GrimJack

GrimJack

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Dec 31, 1969
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus'
obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh*t out of little kids.
 
??supra

??supra

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Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Click to expand...

hahah omg thats fucking funny, hahah i seriously had to control myself. my stomach started to hurt
 
B

Boosthpy

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Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
 
??supra

??supra

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Boosthpy said:
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
Click to expand...

hahahahahahhaahhah i like that. priceless
 
Loki

Loki

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Boosthpy said:
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
Click to expand...



Best one :rofl::rofl:
 
Adjuster

Adjuster

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Apr 8, 2005
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True story.
Years ago, my brother was dating this girl who's dad lived next door to Chuck Norris. (In Malibu)

Anyway, one day Norm's dogs got out and ripped up Chuck's yard and flowers. (Yes, the mightly Chuck had a flower garden)

Chuck threatened to sue. Norm told him to fuck off, but did throw some money at the problem IIRC.

No roundhouses were to be seen.

Aren't neighbors the best of friends... LOL

You know that beard is there to cover up what might possibly be one of the worst cases of acne crater face I've ever seen?
 
drunk_medic

drunk_medic

7Ms are for Cressidas
Apr 1, 2005
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Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick so precisely that he can give a vasectomy without killing you and without taking off any other appendages.
 
staticpat

staticpat

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Here are some more, too lazy to delete duplicates.
While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shootouts. When the director explained that he couldnt do that, he replied, "Of course I can, Im Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesnt work, he plays zombie.

Chuck Norris was the original treasure in National Treasure.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the worlds hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.

Chuck Norris ate his weight at Godfathers pizza.

Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat piss into gasoline.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mothers womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris, more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris, robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing deceptions and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single, however, so it was divided.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.

Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child - Vin Diesel.

Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.

One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of pea soup off the counter. Just then Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said, "Give us the pea soup Buck Morris!" right then Chuck Norris turned around and went, "The name is Chuck Norris!" and he brutally annihilated all three of them. The pea soup tasted especially good that night.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.

Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendys.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.

Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.

Chuck Norris convinced Anakin Skywalker to join the Dark Side of the Force.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

Chuck Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris cant eat while standing upright.

Chuck Norris fought a pirate once. It was close but the pirate won. Chuck has been in a state of chronic depression ever since.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt believe in Germany.

One drop of Chuck Norris sweat can cure you of anything, even death.

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month - no more, no less - if he needs to or not.

The letters in Chuck Norris name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.

Chuck Norriss heart beats once every full moon.

Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.

Chuck Norris signed the Declaration Of Independence, The Bill Of Rights, and the Constitution while plundering a poor Asian village.

The movie "The Ring" is actually just a Chuck Norris biography.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time; if you go to his house you wont find a single clock. When you ask to leave because its getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris enemies just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe its not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.

Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas blindfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

When Chuck Norriss wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Dont worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand-to-hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris house is a Total Gym.

Ecstasy is actually made by extracting the special seratonin mixture found only the skull of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris put the 'k in hardkore.

Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in the ozone layer.

Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced him to say, "The names Norris; Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris doesnt need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris can break wood with his penis.

Chuck Norris can divide by Zero

Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he wont trade any of them for anything.

If Superman and the Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts the ms on M&Ms.

Ironically, Chuck Norris hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats Transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

The milkshake doesnt bring Chuck Norris to the yard.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris can burp the alphabet. Backwards.

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.

Norris backwards is Sinnor, which is Greek for Asian whore.

The Pope once accused Chuck Norris of heresy, but as it turns out, Chuck Norris is, in fact, the true Son of God.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Chuck Norris penis is considered a weapon of mass destruction.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the Special Olympics.

CNN was originally the Chuck Norris Network but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers eyeballs.

The evolution theory states that everything evolved from one living being. Chuck Norris is that living being.

Chuck Norris is where babies come from.

Chuck Norris has been in every porn video since 1985.

One day Chuck Norris was in fact killed when he round house kicked someone in the face so hard that it shattered the universe. But in heaven, Chuck challenged God to an arm wrestling match. Chuck won, and the universe was reformed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.

While walking on water in the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Norris ran into his friend Katrina, and she tried to seduce him. Chuck was not pleased about this, so he round house kicked her into New Orleans.

Chuck Norris knows how to cure AIDS, but will only reveal the solution if Ralph Macchio is publicly executed.

Chuck Norris invented Viagra.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris bends steel with his mind.

Chuck Norris is the reason Jesus died.

Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.

Chuck Norris is not a vegetarian. He knows that extended periods of vegetarianism only lead to a multitude of small vaginas growing on your skin until you eventually become a giant pussy.

Every time you litter, Chuck Norris cries, then hell roundhouse kick your grandma.
On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.

Had the priests in The Exorcist just said, The power of Chuck Norris compels you instead of The power of Christ compels you, the movie would only have been about 30 seconds long.

Everything tastes like chicken because its Chuck Norris favorite food.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own stepfather.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, dont be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a polar bear, with his orgasm he created the third ice-age, which is also known as the second coming of the robotic Vin Diesel.

Rumor has it that the semen from Chuck Norris six-foot wang can cure leukemia, especially in small children.

Chuck Norris pimped your ride.

Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of mayonnaise in a week.

Chuck Norris is German for Whales Vagina.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris is the leading cause of childhood obesity in America.

Chuck Norriss dick is so big, it has its own Dick. And Chuck Norriss Dicks dick is bigger than your dick.

Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.

Chuck Norris smells like Jesus Christ.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldnt find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour and a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, Always leave things the way you found em!

The first rule of Chuck Norris is you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalkers father.

Chuck Norris did not shoot the deputy or the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the crap out of both of them.

Chuck Norris ate an entire wheel of cheese, and then pooped in the refrigerator.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris has never given anyone the finger. However, it is believed that the event could flatten landscape within a 30-mile radius.

Few people know that President Jimmy Carter appointed Chuck Norris as Secretary of Awesome in 1978. This cabinet level position was later rescinded in 1981 after Norris refused to give up his title.

As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world-renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the Wheelchair
 
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