My Cat Fucking OWNS!!! A Tribute to Bob
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I have a cat named Bob (not my idea, I wanted to name him Gustavo), he's a long-haired orange Tabby and about 40% bigger then most cats. Not fat, just fucking big. Tall, long limbs, thick powerful body, big strong paws, he's a monster, but he's always cool with me. Even though I live with my family and he's been raised by all of us, I'm his favorite and he has never once fucked with me.
Well today, my relationship with him was carved in stone as one that will last forever, for this lifetime and beyond.
My sister came over for dinner tonight, but she brought her 2-year-old daughter (who I recently made a thread about after browsing the pics section with her). Anyway, for whatever reason, the kid was being a complete psycho cunt all night. Earlier she was cool, but right before dinner she shit herself and started crying.
Even after she was changed and cleaned up in nice fresh clothes, she kept crying. During dinner it got so bad and so loud that my sister had to take her away from the table and try to calm her down in the other room. The baby's solution? Cry louder, and start screaming like someone's cheese-grating your balls.
After dinner, when she was finally starting to calm down on the crying, the kid started getting ballsy. She started telling people what to do (in semi-formed baby English), and if you didn't comply she would freak out and throw something; she told me to sit down as I walked by, I was on my way outside for a cigarette so I said in nice baby talk, "not now, Uncle Mike is going outside for a minute", so she chucked the remote control across the room. NOT COOL! She was just flat-out being MEAN.
Anyway, this is where my badass super cat comes in. She tormented all of us for an hour and a half. I've never heard so much screaming and crying come from 1 person. She ruined dinner, she made it impossible to watch TV, she was even too loud to drown out with headphones. Everyone knew what we WANTED to do, but nobody could do it. At least, no human could get away with it.
Bob (the Cat) was getting irritated too. Since she was born, he's always hated her. He just needed an excuse to DO IT. Finally, she gave him one. As I'm sitting right here at my computer with Bob chilling at my side, the baby walks by and FOR NO REASON AT ALL PUNCHES BOB STRAIGHT IN THE FACE!!
At first, he was shocked, he looked at me like "NOT IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!". This is where it got great. I looked at him like "You ain't gonna take that shit, are you?" All I had to do was nod in her direction (she was already 10 feet from us, walking away). With that nod, he took off like a lightning bolt, about 3 feet behind her she started turning around, he got semi-spooked, jump to the side, hit the wall feet-first, jumped OFF THE WALL, and drop kicked her in back!!! She staggered a few steps, then fell down and hit her head off the corner of the couch: padded, but still hard enough to hurt. It could not have been any more perfect!
Sure, that made her cry again, but who gives a fuck now! The best part is that nobody saw it but me, so Bob didn't get any shit what happened! He's back with me now, chilling on the desk while I type this story giving me a very satisfied purr.
Bob, I salute you!
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I have a cat named Bob (not my idea, I wanted to name him Gustavo), he's a long-haired orange Tabby and about 40% bigger then most cats. Not fat, just fucking big. Tall, long limbs, thick powerful body, big strong paws, he's a monster, but he's always cool with me. Even though I live with my family and he's been raised by all of us, I'm his favorite and he has never once fucked with me.
Well today, my relationship with him was carved in stone as one that will last forever, for this lifetime and beyond.
My sister came over for dinner tonight, but she brought her 2-year-old daughter (who I recently made a thread about after browsing the pics section with her). Anyway, for whatever reason, the kid was being a complete psycho cunt all night. Earlier she was cool, but right before dinner she shit herself and started crying.
Even after she was changed and cleaned up in nice fresh clothes, she kept crying. During dinner it got so bad and so loud that my sister had to take her away from the table and try to calm her down in the other room. The baby's solution? Cry louder, and start screaming like someone's cheese-grating your balls.
After dinner, when she was finally starting to calm down on the crying, the kid started getting ballsy. She started telling people what to do (in semi-formed baby English), and if you didn't comply she would freak out and throw something; she told me to sit down as I walked by, I was on my way outside for a cigarette so I said in nice baby talk, "not now, Uncle Mike is going outside for a minute", so she chucked the remote control across the room. NOT COOL! She was just flat-out being MEAN.
Anyway, this is where my badass super cat comes in. She tormented all of us for an hour and a half. I've never heard so much screaming and crying come from 1 person. She ruined dinner, she made it impossible to watch TV, she was even too loud to drown out with headphones. Everyone knew what we WANTED to do, but nobody could do it. At least, no human could get away with it.
Bob (the Cat) was getting irritated too. Since she was born, he's always hated her. He just needed an excuse to DO IT. Finally, she gave him one. As I'm sitting right here at my computer with Bob chilling at my side, the baby walks by and FOR NO REASON AT ALL PUNCHES BOB STRAIGHT IN THE FACE!!
At first, he was shocked, he looked at me like "NOT IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!". This is where it got great. I looked at him like "You ain't gonna take that shit, are you?" All I had to do was nod in her direction (she was already 10 feet from us, walking away). With that nod, he took off like a lightning bolt, about 3 feet behind her she started turning around, he got semi-spooked, jump to the side, hit the wall feet-first, jumped OFF THE WALL, and drop kicked her in back!!! She staggered a few steps, then fell down and hit her head off the corner of the couch: padded, but still hard enough to hurt. It could not have been any more perfect!
Sure, that made her cry again, but who gives a fuck now! The best part is that nobody saw it but me, so Bob didn't get any shit what happened! He's back with me now, chilling on the desk while I type this story giving me a very satisfied purr.
Bob, I salute you!
