So you wanna sell some shit on CL huh???
Date: 2007-07-29, 5:47PM EDT
So you wanna sell stuff on CL huh??? Well good for you pal. You are well on the way to cleaning out that house and lining those pockets with some spending money! I would even venture to bet that you already have visions of that small fortune you think your going to make, spent on the next gizmo that will end up on CL 6 months from now at 90% of retail.
Here are a few tips from observations/dealings I have encountered on CL that will speed the process up and make everyone happy, especially me. If you want to avoid a headache, read this, if you honestly want to get rid of an item, read this. If you want to buy something and want to cut to the chase, then read this and I swear when it’s all over you will thank me and wanna kiss my ass for all the time and effort I have saved you! If I sound a little bitter, it’s probably because I am and I apologize in advance for my potty mouth and lack of patience for what I like to call…. slow folk.
1. Condition: State the condition as it is, not what your emotionally charged brain tells you!!! Your best bet is to go ask the neighbor who hates your guts and wishes that you would die already. He’s pissed because he knows that you let your dog sneak over and shit in his yard everyday and don’t bother to clean up after it. Ask him, “Hey there neighbor, how would you describe this couch….or mattress set…..or kids sandbox. I bet he will give you an exact opposite answer than you were going to give. Use his description in your post and NOT yours. Nothing fails to piss people off more than arriving to a location and expecting to see an “almost new” “only used in the guest room” “still in the plastic” queen mattress and box spring set that really looks like it started it’s life in a hotel room in 1962, then entered the porno industry where it was used everyday till the mid 90’s where well known mobster Joey "bago donuts" Spilottro picked it up as a conversation piece, was subsequently shot 12 times with a 12 gauge shotgun while laying on it, was thrown away by the crime lab once the case was closed, and picked up by some fuckstick like you. “New” means new as in I could take it back to the store and at least get a god damn store credit for it, not fucking new to YOU. I have seen many a piss encrusted mattress pictures on CL pictures, even asked about one picture and was told it was a design flaw. Wrong!!!! That, my good man,… is a piss stain. Now granted, buying a used mattress anywhere is risky in itself, and I shudder when I see people picking one up from the side of Culver Rd. and I would not do it, but I feel is a good example of the point I’m trying to make. Same with couches. If your dog chewed the fuckin legs off the damn thing…say so! Don’t make some poor schmuk like me drive for a half hour, bring a buddy to help load it, only to find out that the throw pillows are all stuck to the couch because your dog has been humping them for 10 years, and the fabric on the ends is gone because that mangy beast you call a cat has been using it as a scratching post. Those are important pieces of information I NEED TO KNOW!
2. Price: This is a touchy area as the sellers want the highest price and the buyers want the lowest. We will start with the sellers first. Spent $5000 on that custom bedroom set 6 months ago, won’t fit in the new place, and now I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to buy it on CL for $4500? Get real fuckface. Ain’t gonna happen. Don’t get me wrong, 1 out of a million might, but it sure isn’t gonna be you!!!! Not my fault you bought some ugly ass shit, and then decided to move into a smaller place. Suck it up, take the loss, and chalk that shit up to one of life’s crazy little lessons, and move on. Yea, it’s going to burn for a bit, but it will get better. I know, I know, you post it on there every day, sometimes twice, yet low and behold no one is responding. I wonder why??? If you are gonna post something, pull your head out and be real. You might want to ask that neighbor, the one that wants to push your face into a running table saw with a cross cut blade on it, what he thinks you could get for it. At least that will be a good start. To the buyers on CL. Its your world baby. I suggest start low. Might seem offending at first, but when reality sets in and the seller is desperate, he will remember you, and likely give you a call and beg and plead. Stand firm and always remember You made it through life for xx number of years without that $5000 custom bedroom set, and if you cant get it for $750 or a grand….fuck em. Let him eat it or use it for firewood.
3. Disclose everything! Don’t try to be sneaky. That fridges ice maker all fucked up? You sure know we are not gonna ask you to plug that fucker in and wait an hour for it to cycle so we can check it out. But I can guarantee when I lug that bitch all the way home, get it installed and find out it does not work, I’m coming back and busting your head down to the white meat! Gonna post an ad then go out of town for a week? SAY SO. And what the fuck would you do that for anyway? You retarded? Wait till you get back, then post it. When you put in catchy little phrases, that’s an instant red flag. I will give you some examples of what they really fuckin mean. “Only used once = it’s fucked up” --- “Highway miles = balls to the wall red light to red light”--- “vintage = mid 80’s”--- “Antique = mid 70’s”--- “my loss is your gain=a fuckin headache”---“one of a kind=made at a summer camp for special kids by special kids”--- I think you get the drift. Don’t try to be an advertising guru, your not and we can see right through that shit.
4. Respond to any inquires. Sure the offer might be offending, but at least say no. Send a quick e-mail and say fuck off, or whatever, but at least let me know you got it. If not, you will probably be bitching about the 40+ phone calls your gonna get. My motto is: It Never Hurts To Ask. Just the other day, at the place of one of my employments, in Henrietta, an extremely attractive little number who was fixing up her house to sell asked about a product that was sold only in bundles. Well, she only needed two. Now I could have been a prick and said sorry, no, can’t help you. Instead I said lets take a look, found some loose ones she could use and sold them to her for .25 or .50 cents, so lesson learned, always ask. Now I digress for a moment and plead that if this woman by chance happens to read this and is not married or has a significant other and is at all interested, please for gods sake drop me a line with the store and product so I know its you. I would love to get a bite to eat or drinks with you. I am sane, extremely shy, have all my shots, and have some very respectable references. If you are taken, I curse the lucky man and thank you for brightening my day. Now, some of the nay sayers will state, Hey you just did that because you thought she was hot. WRONG, I do it for the 70-year-old men in their sansabelt leisure suits that are always tinkering around the house too, and NO, I don’t want to go have coffee with them, but yes, I did think she was a cutie. I know, I know…. it’s the wrong forum but give me a break. If I posted it where it SHOULD go, she might actually see it, and like I said, I’m shy….. so piss off.
5. Watch what you sell. Why in the hell would you bother to sell some kitchen utensils for $2.00 on CL? If I was your fucking neighbor, I do not think it would be worth my time to WALK next door for that shit, much less drive from the Park Ave. area to Victor. I would have $10.00 invested just in gas only to find out that they look like they sat on a burner and melted. Now I have a $12 lump of melted shit with handles. Get real already. Nobody wants shit like that. Might as well bundle it with the anal beads you also have posted that were “only used once”. If you are selling shit for less than $5 it better be spectacular. You are wasting bandwidth and fuckin up my searches with this stuff. And no funny guy… I’m not searching anal, but I might be searching beads. That is shit for a garage sale and only a garage sale.
Well that’s pretty much it in a nutshell. Be realistic, be honest, and respond to the offers! What do you expect for free? If you don’t like it, sell your shit on eBay. Pay the fees, package it up, stand in line at the post office, hope the guy is happy and count your blessings if you get good feedback.
Marko
